drugs,i hate you

this is a heavy subject for me . i grew up around drugs and alchol. it really made a impact on me. i wish drugs didnt exist , i wish they wernt addictive. i wish it wasnt such a long process to being clean. it seems like i never really had a childhood , it was always worrying about that one person im suppose to look up too , hes suppose to be my big brother , im not suppose to take care of him when hes high and cant function , and is to drunk and cant walk , im not proud to say my brother is a drug addict , my brother , my big brother that is suppose to watch out for me , but instead im cleaning up his needles. * id beg and beg for him to get better , when i finally think hes getting help ,he slips , and it happens again , sometimes i hate him so much for putting mom and dad through this , how can u be so selfish , how can u do this to your little sister , ? i miss the old you , i miss being able to see you when i want. but now i cant its like when u finally get out of jail , your back in , its like deju vu , its like nothing will change , its like u wont change , all i know is that ii love you ,